Bad Mom

That is right.

That Bad Mom is me.

And I am totally feeling it.

Today Jack earned 50 points for saying Yes Sirs and Yes Ma'ams.  He was then able to choose ANYTHING he wanted to do.  ANYTHING.  The other day when he realized how close he was to earning it, he wanted to go to the local bounce house and just shoot the air balls.  That was it.  Pretty cute, I thought, for being able to do ANYTHING.

I was at the Hobby Lobby making some Christmas stuff returns and I get a call when I am at the check out going through three different transactions worth of those returns and it is Jason telling me that Jack has earned his 50 and he would like to tell me what he would like to do.

The sweet baby's voice gets on the phone and tells me he would like to cuddle and watch a movie together tonight.

I just paused in typing.

I am still just so upset with the way I handled tonight.

I had yet to go to Old Navy to exchange a pair of blue jeans for him.  I got the dark pair, and heaven for bid I put him in a dark pair.  No luck.  The only ones they had were 'aggresive wash' in the boot cut 6 slim that fit him perfectly right now.  By the way, 'aggresive wash' is the look where you buy the jeans and they already have holes in them and they look about 28 years old.  No thanks.  I told the lady we weren't the 'aggresive' type.

I then had to go by the grocery store to pick up dog food and dinner for tonight, I chose sloppy joes.  I chose sloppy joes because I just went and volunteered at Children's today  and did a few different crafts for kids who were at the hospital.  One boy who went to the doctor on Friday due to a headache ended up going in on Monday to have a brain tumor tumor removed.  They have yet to find out if it is benign.  He had surgery that day and was up and moving and decorating snowmen and snowflakes today.  He also wanted his mom to call her best friend to make him 'homemade sloppy joes and bring them to him.' 

I got home and unloaded everything.  I unloaded the eight new red baskets for our pantry that is exploding at the scenes I had planned to organize tonight, and I did, as I made those sloppy joes and macaroni and cheese.  It looks good.  I even have signs made out of black paper with white pen identifying what is in each basket.

We all ate.  Jack ate hardly a bit.  He has been home from school this whole week.  Monday I took him to the doctor because his throat was hurting so badly from coughing.  It was the beginning of ear infections.  Tuesday he was burning up and has maintained a 101.5 temp this whole time.  He is fever free now and probably needs to go back to school tomorrow for his Christmas party, but I want to keep him home.

Probably only to get distracted by more things.

I then had to get in the office and place some pretty serious orders, you know, because the customer just HAS to have a confirmation back tomorrow about descriptions matching serial numbers.  I swear it is important, for this is our way of making a living, but I put that before my boy tonight, too.

I am putting so much before him these days, hence the blog.

Today at school they had pajama day and they were doing something with Polar Express.  I had a whole wonderful plan to do something special here for the two of us today.  Then we woke up and I had to pick the entire house up in preparation for the gal who helps me clean and then I had to square around some details with the Myers extended family about the Christmas celebration here on Sunday. 

Polar Express didn't happen.  Pajama day did, but only until I had to get in the shower to get ready to go. 

Cuddling and a movie didn't happen either. 

In fact, Jack did all he could to stay awake with his dad on the couch while I was in the office, working and talking on the phone with two friends. 

Jason carried him up, I thought to our room, but by the time I finished everything, he was already in his own bed sound asleep, snoring, with his thumb in his mouth.  I smooched him all over and told him how much I loved him and he just snored louder. 

I am going to bed with a heavy heart tonight. 

Actually it may be suffocating. 

Balance is really hard sometimes.

Really hard.

I will just go to bed now wondering why I made the choices I did today.

I know deep down Jack would never in a million years doubt my love for him, but he is so much like me that I just know it is those little, special things that mean the world to him.

And I failed him.